Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Weeks 17-22

Yeah I really have been avoiding this in a bad way. I will probably want to remember these times though so I do need to get all my thoughts down. These last weeks have been the hardest of my life. My desire for normalcy has devoured everything else in my life.I can remember my life right right before all this went down. I was the mother of three on top of being a babysitter so at home during the day I had 3 one yr olds a 4 yr old and a three yr old. I also cleaned offices 3 nights a weeks my husband was in school and I had a very demanding church calling. I remember thinking is this really all my life is laundry and poopy diapers. I was so busy and scheduled and defiantly felt like a stay at home mom. You know under appreciated and over worked. But then it was like i hit a brick wall going 90 mph. When i got diagnosed I had two surgeries and started chemo the day after my last surgery. My mom moved in and I was sick. All the busy crazyness that my life was before became me staying home all the time my mom doing most everything and me being either in bed or on the couch. That started over 5 months ago. It was supposed to end after 12 weeks but that has turned into over 22 weeks. Now I dream of the days when I have enough energy to do the dishes and play with my kids without having to spend two hours lying down to recover. You know what it's like not even being able to to walk down to your mailbox because you know you don't have the energy to make it back home. It's truly depressing the tole these weekly treatments have been on my body. And to look in the mirror and look sick I mean no hair dark black circles and gray skin it's like looking at a walking corpse. I'm not really sure where this is going and maybe I shouldn't even be sharing these things I'm not sure. Maybe getting out the dark feelings will allow me to see the light. This week is supposed to be my last week of chemo it was defiantly that shining light for me I only had to make it till thur. But now that light has dimmed too. When I went for chemo on Fri the doc came in and said my cancer count had gone up one point and that has earned me another cycle of chemo which is two more weeks. It was a total blow to me I know your thinking after all this time whats two more weeks and believe me I've tried to tell myself the same thing but it's like I gave it all I had to make till this week and to ask more is like impossible. I talked to my doc again today he said my number is back in the normal range but he has to talk to the specialist and he's 75% sure I'll have to do another two treatments and possibly do the hysterectomy after all. It's like when that dream of having my life back is just in my grasp it's taken away. He already said it would take over a yr after chemo for me to get back to normal because of how much damage it has done to my body but at least I would be improving every month not getting sicker and now who knows. I know I'm a good person but I still can't help but feel like I'm being punished. i know God doesn't work that way bodies aren't perfect and they break down but this really has me in a bad place. i told my husband I was going to refuse any further treatment. I'm not trying to be a drama queen I just really don't think I can do one more day of this. I just need out you know and at this point it's not really a fight for my life it's just doctors doing guess work about a cancer so rare they don't really know what they are doing. It's not their fault but I'm just tired of well let's just do one more round. No way. For now I just keep praying that on thur. I will be done. That's all I can do pray. Please pray for me I need all the help I can get right now.


RufflesAndFringe said...

Oh Starla, I am so sorry. I know there isn't anything I can say that will make this all better, but I wish there was. My prayers are with you and your family.



The Holland Family said...

Star, I think about you often. I know this must be such a nightmare for you. I'm so sorry, I can't even imagine how you must feel. When your body feels so rotten, your mind is even worse it seems.

I remember in the depths of my grief, I felt so displaced and crazy. Some days I still feel that way, but through it all I have to remember that I am better for it (i hope). I've never had the physical sickness but I remember the mental pain somewhat and I'm sorry. It stinks.

We are all praying for your health & hope you will be done soon. Try to smile even if it's fake. Love you girl. Nicole

Terry & Kim said...

Star - I'm so sorry! It really sucks, doesn't it?! My prayers are with you- stay strong. I know that in my times of discouragement and sadness this hymn helped me alot. . .
"Where Can I turn for peace,
Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole.
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart, searching my soul

Where, when my aching grows,
Where when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?

Who, who can understand
He, only One.
He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching,

In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind
Love without end."

You'll be back to your old life of poopy diapers and mountains of dishes soon!
Love ya sweet girl! -Kim

Gaengy said...

Starla, like Nicole said there is nothing we can say to make it better. You are so real and honest, you have faced this with such courage. I am sorry for your pain and suffering. I will pray so hard for you that this can be done on Thurs. Love, Julie

The Wright Family said...

Starla, I love you...you're one of a kind and I admire so many qualities about you! Please hang in there, our prayers are with you!

Tara said...

I can only imagine what you have been through and the kind of courage and determination it must take. I just wanted you to know there are people out there who love you and pray for you.

I am constantly thinking about you and we pray for you daily.

Love Ya Tara

Emilie said...

Love you, Starla. You are in my prayers EVERY SINGLE DAY . . . Thank you for sharing your thoughts about life prior to cancer. Your feelings of being overworked and under-payed as an at-home mom, until the opportunity is taken away, are so accurate. It makes me think that perhaps I should try harder to appreciate the opportunity to be at home with my kids, the poop, and the dishes and having the vitality to do so.