Thursday, July 29, 2010
So not a ton of excitement these last weeks. My cancer count is down to 17 so we are slowwwwly getting to zero. I did have my first trip to the ER over the weekend, not fun. I don't ever want to be that sick again ever. But I got over it quickly and it made me appreciate feeling better. That's kind of what I want to talk about today all the good things that chemo has done for me. First of all it has cleared up my skin I haven't had a zit for months now. My armpit and downstairs hair is almost gone, and that's awesome. I'm cooler in the summer and have saved on razors! I have gotten to spend a lot of time with my mom and my little sister Christy, that's been fun. And because of their help around the house I've been able to spend more quality time with my kids, just playing and snuggling instead of busy cleaning up after them. That's been so wonderful. I've learned to open up to my friends and family about the hard times too and it has made us all closer. It's made me realize even more how much I love our community and friends they truly are like family to us and we love them and appreciate them so much. Chemo has also brought me closer to my husband, it has made me see him in a new light and made me so grateful for all he does for me. He is so kind and affectionate but also so strong and pushes me when I don't think I can go any further. I love him even more now. It has also brought me closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father through my many desperate and pleading prayers for strength, poop, hope, energy, or relief. They have listened and answered many times and in ways I never expected. Chemo has also helped me to understand better the suffering of people with mental illness and long term health problems. By me just getting a small glimpse into their world has softened my heart and made my burdens seem lighter. So even though there have been really low times, and I'm still frustrated, I can see so much positive and great things that have come from my journey so far. I know I have a long way to go, but that means I still have a lot of opportunities to learn and grow and appreciate all the good I have in my life.
Friday, July 2, 2010
I'm not sure how to start with this one I want to be so strong and positive, but I also want to be real and truthful about this whole process. To be honest these last few weeks I have just wanted to throw in the towel and quit. On week 10 I justt never bounced back I didn't have any good days. And I found out my cancer counts were down to 35 I know I should be excited because it's a low number but it was like a slap in the face not finishing the race by like an inch or something I just wanted it to be zero so badly. But week 11 came quickly and I was still so exhausted just feeling so down and drained I had to do another round of shots and I just didn't want to. It meant making the drive to St. George four days in a row and the shots are super painful and they make you ache your whole body. Needless to say they made me exhausted so by Sun. Night I had a total meltdown. I told my husband I was done I just couldn't start another week of this. To think that I have two or three more months of this is too much more than I can do. I broke down crying sobbing just hysterical I have never been that way ever to the point I almost passed out. My poor husband I think I scared him to death. But I calmed down and asked him to give me a blessing(in our church the men can give women blessings by putting there hands on your head and giving a prayer asking for help, or guidance or strength whatever your in need of). I was able to calm down and go to sleep. Needless to say I have had some really down times lately and then the call came on Wed. That they are holding off treatment again because my white count is too low. I tried to think positive that now we can have an awesome fourth but really I was pissed and heartbroken. I had just done all those shots so my counts should be super high and another week missed means this thing keeps dragging on forever. And then the final blow came today my hubby called the hospital to see if they could tell me my cancer count. 25 Really 25 ten points down from last time I could kill someone I thought for sure without doubt it would be zero but NO 25! So I cried a lot was super pissed and upset. Why the hell is this thing dragging on. Of course I'm sure there is a bigger lesson in all this, Starla needs to learn patience, or humility, a few more months with a bald head should do it. Right now I don't give a crap about the big picture or the life lesson I'm just sick and tired and broken. Not to scare you cause I'm no cliff jumper or anything. I just want to be honest I'm human and I've done the strong thing for as long as I could. But now where do I go from here how do I get back to a good place. I'm not sure I know the answer to that. Maybe there is some truth to fake it till you make it, pretend to be happy and ok and then you will be. Or maybe it's just that tonight I go to bed with a prayer and a hope that tomorrow will be better. That at the end of all this I can look back and be proud of how I handled this even though I have had really hard times. Maybe I'll say a prayer and have the courage to do one more day with a smile on my face. I hope so I hope this cloud will pass.