Friday, July 2, 2010

Weeks 10,11,12

I'm not sure how to start with this one I want to be so strong and positive, but I also want to be real and truthful about this whole process. To be honest these last few weeks I have just wanted to throw in the towel and quit. On week 10 I justt never bounced back I didn't have any good days. And I found out my cancer counts were down to 35 I know I should be excited because it's a low number but it was like a slap in the face not finishing the race by like an inch or something I just wanted it to be zero so badly. But week 11 came quickly and I was still so exhausted just feeling so down and drained I had to do another round of shots and I just didn't want to. It meant making the drive to St. George four days in a row and the shots are super painful and they make you ache your whole body. Needless to say they made me exhausted so by Sun. Night I had a total meltdown. I told my husband I was done I just couldn't start another week of this. To think that I have two or three more months of this is too much more than I can do. I broke down crying sobbing just hysterical I have never been that way ever to the point I almost passed out. My poor husband I think I scared him to death. But I calmed down and asked him to give me a blessing(in our church the men can give women blessings by putting there hands on your head and giving a prayer asking for help, or guidance or strength whatever your in need of). I was able to calm down and go to sleep. Needless to say I have had some really down times lately and then the call came on Wed. That they are holding off treatment again because my white count is too low. I tried to think positive that now we can have an awesome fourth but really I was pissed and heartbroken. I had just done all those shots so my counts should be super high and another week missed means this thing keeps dragging on forever. And then the final blow came today my hubby called the hospital to see if they could tell me my cancer count. 25 Really 25 ten points down from last time I could kill someone I thought for sure without doubt it would be zero but NO 25! So I cried a lot was super pissed and upset. Why the hell is this thing dragging on. Of course I'm sure there is a bigger lesson in all this, Starla needs to learn patience, or humility, a few more months with a bald head should do it. Right now I don't give a crap about the big picture or the life lesson I'm just sick and tired and broken. Not to scare you cause I'm no cliff jumper or anything. I just want to be honest I'm human and I've done the strong thing for as long as I could. But now where do I go from here how do I get back to a good place. I'm not sure I know the answer to that. Maybe there is some truth to fake it till you make it, pretend to be happy and ok and then you will be. Or maybe it's just that tonight I go to bed with a prayer and a hope that tomorrow will be better. That at the end of all this I can look back and be proud of how I handled this even though I have had really hard times. Maybe I'll say a prayer and have the courage to do one more day with a smile on my face. I hope so I hope this cloud will pass.

9 comments:

Nicole Scoubes said...

Listen here my bald comrad, I love you and I am so proud of your courage to write what you feel, you are better than me, but you need to hang in there you are so close and 10 is still better than none. I think this process is much harder than I thoght as well and so far I suck at it but I look to you for energy and strenght because I know you can do this and so can I but it does suck!and were aloud to cry, just not alot!!!
I love ya Nicole

The Holland Family said...

I love you girl. We are all pulling for you! I'm sorry it's been so rough on you. I can't even imagine. You can do it, I know you can!

RufflesAndFringe said...

I'm so sorry. There are no words, but you are being so strong and I am so proud of you!

Kristin said...

I love you, Star.

-Kristin (was Erickson)

Angie said...

Not going to pretend I understand cuz I don't. Can't even come close to understanding. But I can say I think about you often, pray for you, and have complete and total confidence in you. So when you don't think you can do it, just remember there are LOTS of people who KNOW you can. Love ya girl!

Autumn said...

I want to comment but I don't know what to say...it sucks you have cancer, it sucks it's not going away, it sucks you feel like crap. Cry it out, Ryan can handle it. I KNOW you can beat this, I felt your strength in your presence. Squish your kiddos cheeks and just take it minute by minute. So many people care about you and are praying for you and one day that might make this crap just a little bit better.

Emily said...

You are so brave to share these personal thoughts with us. To hear of your suffering breaks my heart for you and your family. Remember that you are a warrior fighting an important battle. With that comes ups and downs. You are never alone. The Savior is with you always, reach out to him. I know that is easy for me to say; I can't imagine what you've been going through. I just want you to know that you are being heard and that you are in my family's prayers. Just take it one minute at a time. That's all you can do. Much love!

Lisa Creager said...

I heard you had cancer but I hadn't gotten your blog address. It was great to catch up with your family and read your experience with fighting this battle. I can't believe we are cousins and I don't really even know you as a mother, wife or adult for that matter. I am so glad you are such a strong, positive person and that your family has been there for you. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.
Love, Your cousin Lisa

Kristin said...

Just thinking about you, Starla. I hope you are doing okay since your last update. Sure love you.