Perspective

I first have to say thank you thank you for all the prayers i can truly feel them working on my behalf. I'm doing much better now and have to say I know that is because my Heavenly Father has heard all of our prayers but of course he answered them in a way I never expected. As you can tell from my last post I was in a very dark place I truly had cried myself to sleep for the last 5 nights and at one point Ry said if you don't calm down I will call the ambulance and take you to the hospital that's how hysterical i was and if you know me you know I don't cry. But Wed. I got a letter from a total stranger that total changed my perspective and a switch went off and it was like new life for me I'm going to share with you what he wrote and I hope he doesn't mind."This is Marcy's husband - she has kept me up on your struggle and I asked if I could write to you)

You don't know me, and I don't know you. But in a way, I feel I do. I'm one of those 3 boys in the photo at the top of your blog ... just 25 years older now. When I was 7 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and I spent my entire childhood through the end of high school in and out of oncology wards and seeing first hand the emotional and mental toll that cancer took on it's victims. For myself and my two younger brothers, we got to see a lot of very good people suffer very unfairly.

You're at the very hardest stage, the stage where you've been getting sicker and sicker and the finish line was just moved on you again. It's terribly unfair and the thought of taking even one more step down the path seems like more than you can take. Instead of thinking of it as a race, or with a specific timeline in mind (one awful lesson I had to learn was that cancer refuses to stick to timelines) - think of another analogy. You have a photo of you boxing with cancer as your Facebook profile picture, and you had it knocked down and thought the fight was over. But somehow it has dragged itself off the canvas and you have to answer the bell again and go out there for one more round. Yes, it's going to be tough and yes, right now it sounds like something you can't do - but once it's over and you've won, you'll be proud of yourself for sticking with it.

I've read your blog and you are a strong, caring and eloquent person. Someday you'll be able to offer a wealth of experience and compassion to others who end up in the same situation - and you'll be able to look right at them and tell them of the times you were at the very bottom and managed to make it through, and it will be a huge lift to someone else.

I'm not a doctor, and I don't know your situation. I do know that in the long view of the rest of your life, 24 weeks instead of 22 is something you'll be able to look back on and realize was a very short period. If you feel that the medical advise is in your best interest, know that in addition to everyone you know there's also an entire community of those of us touched by cancer that are cheering you on.

Keep fighting, and I'll make sure to keep checking your blog. You're in all of our prayers.

-Nathan

(p.s - your sons probably aren't even old enough now to realize it, but they are learning an unbelievable amount from you right now on how to deal with adversity and they will look back and be enormously proud of you ... I know that was the way it was with myself and my brothers)"
This letter was totally my answer to prayer it wan't the call from the doc saying i didn't have to do more treatment like I wanted But none the less this was exactly what i needed a new perspective. I really haven't thought much about the affect this will have on my sons I mean I have thought about the negative things and tried to do all i can to prevent it but i have never thought about any positive affects. To be honest it seems like my kids could care less so I really never thought that maybe my boys are paying attention to me. His letter was like hearing my sons talking 25 yrs from now. He really made me think that how I handle this trial now will be the example my boys look to when they are having trials and adversity in their futures. I don't want them to just cry and give up when times are hard. So I can't either. It's just so crazy that a letter from a total stranger I have never meet or seen can totally change your life, but that is what he did for me. I can't thank him enough for listening to that little voice that said write to her and can't thank my Heavenly Father enough for sending me exactly what I needed in my darkest hour.

Weeks 17-22

Yeah I really have been avoiding this in a bad way. I will probably want to remember these times though so I do need to get all my thoughts down. These last weeks have been the hardest of my life. My desire for normalcy has devoured everything else in my life.I can remember my life right right before all this went down. I was the mother of three on top of being a babysitter so at home during the day I had 3 one yr olds a 4 yr old and a three yr old. I also cleaned offices 3 nights a weeks my husband was in school and I had a very demanding church calling. I remember thinking is this really all my life is laundry and poopy diapers. I was so busy and scheduled and defiantly felt like a stay at home mom. You know under appreciated and over worked. But then it was like i hit a brick wall going 90 mph. When i got diagnosed I had two surgeries and started chemo the day after my last surgery. My mom moved in and I was sick. All the busy crazyness that my life was before became me staying home all the time my mom doing most everything and me being either in bed or on the couch. That started over 5 months ago. It was supposed to end after 12 weeks but that has turned into over 22 weeks. Now I dream of the days when I have enough energy to do the dishes and play with my kids without having to spend two hours lying down to recover. You know what it's like not even being able to to walk down to your mailbox because you know you don't have the energy to make it back home. It's truly depressing the tole these weekly treatments have been on my body. And to look in the mirror and look sick I mean no hair dark black circles and gray skin it's like looking at a walking corpse. I'm not really sure where this is going and maybe I shouldn't even be sharing these things I'm not sure. Maybe getting out the dark feelings will allow me to see the light. This week is supposed to be my last week of chemo it was defiantly that shining light for me I only had to make it till thur. But now that light has dimmed too. When I went for chemo on Fri the doc came in and said my cancer count had gone up one point and that has earned me another cycle of chemo which is two more weeks. It was a total blow to me I know your thinking after all this time whats two more weeks and believe me I've tried to tell myself the same thing but it's like I gave it all I had to make till this week and to ask more is like impossible. I talked to my doc again today he said my number is back in the normal range but he has to talk to the specialist and he's 75% sure I'll have to do another two treatments and possibly do the hysterectomy after all. It's like when that dream of having my life back is just in my grasp it's taken away. He already said it would take over a yr after chemo for me to get back to normal because of how much damage it has done to my body but at least I would be improving every month not getting sicker and now who knows. I know I'm a good person but I still can't help but feel like I'm being punished. i know God doesn't work that way bodies aren't perfect and they break down but this really has me in a bad place. i told my husband I was going to refuse any further treatment. I'm not trying to be a drama queen I just really don't think I can do one more day of this. I just need out you know and at this point it's not really a fight for my life it's just doctors doing guess work about a cancer so rare they don't really know what they are doing. It's not their fault but I'm just tired of well let's just do one more round. No way. For now I just keep praying that on thur. I will be done. That's all I can do pray. Please pray for me I need all the help I can get right now.